Q: I’m a woman in my late 40s. In my early 20s, I married a much older man. We did all the requisite things: kids, house, intercourse once a week. When the sex fell off due to his declining health, he surprised me by suggesting we open our marriage. He said I was too young to be limited and he didn’t want me to leave him for sex. I spent time contemplating how to truly fulfill my desires. I read a lot of erotica, indulged in porn, and discovered that what turned me on was dominance. Not intercourse particularly, but power play with me as the queen controlling a slave. I like chastity, face sitting, and light bondage. I have found that this type of play appeals to smart and kinky gents. But I am finding that, despite a gentleman’s declaration of “wanting something long-term,” perhaps a friends-with-benefits arrangement, they tend to drop out in short order. Three times in the past two years I have spent a great deal of time getting to know someone before there was any play—a lot of time chatting online, several vanilla dates. In each of these instances, I felt that I had found a good friend. Each of these three men dumped me in exactly the same way. Each said that I was too overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful, and that their obsession with me took up too much room in their lives. This is very frustrating because I feel like I give someone the space they need. I think this is likely BS. Could “I’m overwhelmed” be the new “It’s not you, it’s me”? I’m tired of having my feelings hurt. Must I hang up my crop forever? —Done Offering My Mental Energy
Dominant women are in such short supply relative to demand that submissive men will—well, they’ll submit to an endless vetting process. During that process, submissive guys open to something long-term will say so, DOMME, but submissive guys who aren’t looking for something long-term will say so too, if they sense that’s what you want to hear. In order to be safe while avoiding avoidable heartache, DOMME, you’ll want to invest a little time in getting to know guys before you play—again, for your safety—but not so much emotional energy that you’ll be annoyed/upset/devastated if it doesn’t work out.
Right now, you’re focused on everything that went wrong that night—the boozing, the confusion, a bad sexual experience with a trusted partner—and you don’t seem to be really registering or giving enough weight to what went right that night. Your husband sensed you weren’t feeling it, realized you were too drunk (a little late, but still), and then, despite the fact that you encouraged him to continue, he sensed you weren’t in the right head space (you weren’t enjoying yourself, you were too drunk) and stopped. Your husband, even with a hard dick, even inebriated himself, even while topping during BDSM, didn’t lose sight of your safety and comfort.
